The night before my mastectomy was one of the few nights I cried. I didn’t cry because of the surgery or because of the chemo I was to endure. I cried because it was over. Life as I knew it was over and everything was going to change after the surgery. It’s the place where I get stuck, the place that, if I let it, could take over and pull me under. Sometimes, even now, it will sneak up on me. I think this is where a lot of us get stuck; missing the old days so much that we can hardly find good in the new. I can look in the mirror and think…I am fierce & I am in control. I like the new me! Other days my reflection catches me off guard and I mourn for the old me. Or worse, my kids say I don’t look like me anymore. I never will. I’ve aged inside and out. Two rounds of chemo can have that effect on a girl.
How can we get unstuck? How can we learn to embrace today when part of us is still broken? Honestly, I don’t know. There may be no real purpose to whatever pain we have endured in life. I’m trying to live with my eyes open and allow this awareness to guide my days. I don’t know how long I have. None of us do. I try to keep it simple; self-care, family care, quality time and love. This blog is a way of sending more love into the universe. It’s my way of leaving my mark and sharing my heart with my kids long after I am gone. (p.s. not going anywhere soon, I swear!)
The best way I can keep myself on track is to know my intention for the day. It may stay the same, it may change, but every time things start to get away from me I check in with my intentions. The more un-grounded I become the further away I am from my personal truths. Checking in with my intentions takes work. It means I need to stay grounded. I need to keep my inner peace in check.
EVERY SINGLE DAY I am working hard at keeping things simple. Simple doesn’t seem like it should be so hard, but give it a try today and see what you think.