I was told that I may never see the big picture. Understanding why things happen to me may always escape me. I suppose this wouldn't have made such a big impact on me until I had to deal with my own mortality. It can be a lot of pressure, especially when trying to grasp your purpose in the world.
During my treatments, understanding that I was not in control of almost anything was something I needed to keep learning. There were so many snow days that made plans change during treatments. There were GPS problems and bridges out causing city trips to go awry. These little things continued in full force right through to my last treatment where Hope Lodge had the wrong date of departure and I needed to jump through hoops to find a room available for one more night. By this time I learned to laugh at the lack of control I had over my circumstances. AND WE'RE NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT CANCER! If I couldn’t control all these little things there was certainly no way I could control my cancer! (Note: we do have control over our lives just not in the direct way we might think)
How does one live like this? How can we live without fear of missing an appointment or god forbid dealing with a serious illness. For me this is where faith comes in. I have a picture in my living room that says "Faith is Daring the Soul To Go Beyond what the eye can see”, This is the lesson I seem to be learning over and over again. I plan. I do my best. I set the right intentions, most of the time, but I'm DONE being in control. I have faith things will be ok. I have faith that they will turn out the way they are meant to whether or not it's the way I might WANT them to turn out. This frees up a lot of energy to focus on here and now. Focus on creating joy and peace even amidst the storms.
I was told I may never see the big picture. I may never even know if what happens to me is about me. Maybe it's about someone else and the affect on that person, but not me at all. Those words helped me to relax almost immediately and helped me find my inner peace and joy.
Sometimes we just need a reminder that we are doing great even if bad things happen to us or our loved ones. We are a tiny thread in a big tapestry and we may never see what our impact is meant to be. I am ok with that. It gives me peace and comfort.
Is there anything you've been carrying around that you can hand over? Can you just accept that it is not your place to fix or your responsibility or your fault? It may not even be a lesson you need to learn.
Can you free yourself of some burden and feel more joy and a little lighter today?