The years I missed I can’t get back. The very young years with my littlest in preschool. Those in between, but still so sweet years, of early elementary school and the later years of elementary school where they are learning so much about the world, have an openness about trying new things and are mostly content with themselves. I was out of commission for two years. One full year of treatment and surgeries and one full year of too many doctor appointments and leftover head fog, the weight of chemo and fatigue. I am firmly in year three and my task of making us whole is still upon me.
My little one, “hands”, has been far too into electronics for my liking his whole life. Thankfully he is easily redirected, but only when i have the time and patience to give to him. My middle son is finding his groove and it makes me so happy and at the same time so sad. Sad because it makes me realize what I missed with my oldest. I missed those years I could have helped to steer him. I was so out of it I could barely do just the basics of maintaining my household.
We are here now and this is where we start! No matter what has happened in our past or the many reasons that things are the way they are, it is never too late to start now. I can’t do more than acknowledge what is lost because it hurts too much to go there emotionally. And there is no alternate universe where things turned out differently. I have no idea if anything would be better if I wasn’t sick. To be very honest, I’m not sad about the road we were forced down. Often the things out of my control have taught me lessons and/or forced me on a healthier path. We may not see it at the time and we may never actually see it. It just becomes the fabric of our beings. In my personal situation I feel like I just cleaned off my glasses and can see things more clearly.
I’ve been getting this excited feeling lately. Like a feeling of anticipation. Of what I don’t know, but I think I’m on the cusp of some new life adventures! I’ve been practicing some intentional living. Reading and meditating and writing most mornings. It seems to really clean out the clutter of the day to day humdrums and open the doors for what is on the horizon just out of reach. This morning I read that 95% of us aren’t living a full life or at least not what we had hoped for. I’ve heard a similar statistic for health in the past as well. Why is that?! I think it really boils down to intentions. When I was pumped up with drugs my intention was to get through treatments and not burn the house down in the process. I’ve been doing a lot of grounding and re-building this past year, but I’m starting to realize we can be grounded and fly at the same time.
Where?! Where am I going to find the time to do more than what I am doing now?
I had been trying to find the time myself and then a friend recommended a book called Miracle Mornings to me. I now get up at 5:30am and spend time with myself while I am fresh. I start my day with more direction than I ever have. I am able to make my to-do list before the morning craze which means I am more productive. More productive makes me happier. I also don’t have to be productive all day because I had some intentions laid out for myself. This gives me a little time to enjoy a book or play a game or color with the kids. If it can do this much for the day to day workings, I can’t wait to see what it will do for the rest of my life. I’m feeling on the cusp of a change. I’m feeling like my roots are firmly in the ground and I’m getting ready to flap my wings.
It's not so much when you do it, but that you do it. Is there something you’ve been itching to do? A book on your nightstand that has been recommended as life changing, but you have no time or desire to read it? Do you feel like you are just doing and have lost your purpose? Start setting intentions. Start small. Start with tuning in and knowing your heart’s desire and needs. Don’t get stuck in that middle place of contentment. Without growth that place of contentment can turn to resentment. When you find your wings, where will you fly?
Ps. I always consider myself a work in progress. I do get excited for very small victories. I don’t want you to ever think that I have my ducks in a row, because I don’t even try to line them up. Life is far more fascinating when you keep challenging yourself and I’m not sure if my ducks will ever be in a row. I’m learning to accept this and to even embrace it. I hope you will too!